I performed two of my own songs live at an open mike night here in Berlin a few days ago. I was so nervous. I have never performed any of my own songs live and never played the piano and sung for anyone before.
I knew that performing my songs live on a stage was the key to opening Pandoras box and facing my all time fear of failure; what if I was not good enough; what if I made mistakes; what if people did not like my music. It would kill my dream! To sing and write music is my biggest passion and the only thing I feel like doing. I was so wrapped up in this trail of fear that I was not realizing that I myself was killing my dream by not daring to get on that stage and do it! It was all in my head. Only my thoughts were my enemy. So, once I realized this I found an open mike night here in Berlin and decided to do it! No more talk and thinking. Now it was time for action. I had to make it or break it.
I invited friends to come and see me perform, so I would not bail out in the last minute.
I was so nervous on the day yet determined to do this no matter what. The one thing that made me relax, face my fear and be ok about most likely making mistakes during my first performace was a brilliant video by Brene Brown. It is on TEDtalk and it is about daring to be Imperfect and Authentic. That hit the spot for me - so true and so inspiring! The link for the video is posted at the end of this blog post.
HOW did the big night go?
After a big glass of redwine I pulled myself together and got up on stage. I think there were about 15 people there. Not more (that is including my friends!). I was a little nervous, but the good type where you are focused and not controlled by it. I sat alone behind a lovely old out-of-tune piano and gently touched the keys and took a deep breath. This is it, I thought to myself! Lets make it or break it!
As I performed I felt such peace inside. It actually marveled me as I had expected to be so nervous. I felt every word I sang came from my heart; I felt the piano under my fingers; I was in the moment; I sang my soul out. After the first song was over I realized I had done it! I had even made a few mistakes and survived it. I did not even care about that I had made mistakes. I just felt so incredibly happy and high. I played my 2nd song and the funny thing was that my focus was not so much on what people thought about my performance, but more a feeling of personal achievement. I had done it! It is the most amazing feeling I have had in a very long time. I kept saying to myself; is this really what I have been so afraid of all this time!?
I was so ready for more performances that I got up and played Better off alone at a bar in Berlin 3 days later and was asked to come and perform there the following week. Hurray! I am on my way. I love it and I cant wait to perform again.
Here is the link for the TEDtalk video I wrote about above:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Here is a video of my first ever liveperformance of my two songs here in Berlin at Maxi Fish.
The lyrics are below the video clip ;)
Better off alone
I am living my life like I want it to be
For the first time in life I am feeling free
Living my life like I want it to be
There ain't gonna be more of you and me
I'm better off alone
Your love is best when I'm gone
Don't change to bring me home
cause I'm better off alone
You broke my heart don't break more of me
I'll be loving you for eternity
I take with me a happy memory
and leave behind all the misery
Chorus.
"Heaven is a place on earth"
I'm hungry - I don't eat
I'm tired - I don't sleep
I can't see - when I am lost
I can't hear - if I'm too loud
I can't move - so I pray
I can't love - when I do
I don't believe - so I pray
Do I live when I die,
Or do I die when I try
Heaven is a place on earth
I hope to see before I die ....
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